Nothing but the Truth

Welcome to the Quirky Week news bulletin, where we bring you the happenings from around this hot oblate spheroid which we call our world!

Aha! In this week's headlines, we have the age-old sepoy mutiny revived in the great democracy of Bungle-desh. This legendary social breakthrough was pioneered 152 years ago in the heartlands of India, the engineers of which were anonymously hanged or selectively shot to fame. A few had never been caught and they were rumoured to have escaped to the marshy capital of Dhoka, the current capital of Bungledesh. It is suspected that their descendants fired the first shots in the mutiny that shook the sleepy afternoons of Dhoka and allowed the Bungledesh government to get rid of under-performing officers of the border guard force who had not managed to get a single Indian officer lynched in the last couple of years. Investigations are still on and the hunt for the corpses goes on, as speculations mount that the mutiny is back as a social trend in the sub-continent.

In the more melodious land across the border, the hit and raging show "Indian Idle" had its first female winner, after centuries of male domination. The show, started by the great Indian emperor Show Jahan, had always had a swaggering fellow win since the majority of voters were idle female voters using their husbands' cellphones to send multiple votes. But as the global economic crisis deepens and more men lose their jobs, the tide has turned finally and female crooners finally got their votes!

Talking of votes, Gluejarat's chief minister N.S. Muddy churned up the heat in the pre-elections fiasco speeches , calling the ruling party's prince charming Royal Grandy a "new fish", while declaring himself old fish. This provoked riots amongst the divided ranks of the Luck Sabha sentries (another mutiny that got nipped in the bud?). The situation came under control only when the ruling Crowngress retorted saying that yes, Muddy was an old-fish, but a flesh-eating Piranha. This in turn fuelled the anger of PETA who filed a PIL against the Crowngress for "unfair and inhuman use of a gentle form of nature like fish to be compared to a monster such as Muddy".

Another Grandy was also hogging the headlines more than 50 years after his demise when one of his nieces' daughters decided to auction off his sunglasses, a birthday gift from Lord Mountbitten, in New York in order to pay her next credit card bill. This angered the entire Indian diplomatic force which has pledged to do all in its power to stop the auction. It created an embarrassing situation for the Indian ambassador to Antarctica who was planning to be one of the highest bidders in the auction so as to acquire the sunglasses to protect his eyes in the glare of the Antarctic snow. Officials from the Central Bureau of Instigation are looking into the matter and have interrogated a number of penguins as witnesses.

Speaking of interrogation, the Mumbai Police managed to beat the 90-day deadline of filing a charge-sheet against Mohd Ghazab, the lone surviving gunman from the November attacks. They submitted a 10,000-page document citing hundreds of witnesses and details. On close inspection, it was found however that the document had 9,990 pages of the script of Ache-ta Kapoor's next movie "Shooutout at Nariyalwala's", which featured Ghazab's character in a central role. The Mumbai High Court reviewed the script and found too many repetitions in it, which compelled them to issue arrest warrants against Miss Kapoor on the crime of mediocrity. Miss Kapoor, who is currently shooting her next tele-serial "Kissssa Khoon Ka" in South Africa, was not available for Komment, umm, I mean, comment.

Not far from South Africa, a bizarre revenge drama occurred in the West African nation of Guinea-Pissau. The nation, thus named after the creation of its capital city pissed off a lot of guinea pigs who occupied that land, saw its army general allegedly blown to smithereens by a bomb planted below his staircase at the behest of its President. This enraged the army which sent its newest talent to hunt down and riddle the fleeing President with bullets. Thus ended the lives of the nation's embittered leaders. Condemnation followed from the African Union which said in an official statement to AFP - "We condemn the changing of the country's fortunes with only two deaths, whereas our other member nations have lost hundreds of thousands of people in their conflicts. The president and general should have ensured that Africa gets more attention in the world's eyes by having more people killed."

Moving east, the new US Secretary of State, Mrs Hilarious Cleanton is on the verge of commencing her first official trip to the Middle East, promising to be true to her name and "clean" up the mess between Izrail and Palestein, I beg your pardon, Israel and Palestine. Few believe in her ability to do so, since analysts believe that the US should first clean up the giant elephant in its backyard - Gluttonamo Bay - before it tries to stick its pies back into the eternal mudpie nick-named the "Riddle East" (nick-name courtesy of our in-house Jordanian weatherman).

In the increasingly funny world of finance, we all thought the worst was over. But AIG posted the largest quarterly loss ever in corporate history, sending the world stocks spiralling down. Its board of directors was seen standing on Wall Street with placards stating that the world was about to end and convincing passersby why it made sense for their government to eat further into their tax money so that AIG could pay off investors in other countries and allow these people to spend less on their home insurance.

In sports, India's Meander Singh Dhoni's approval ratings fell below 99% for the first time in his glittering career as his team lost two 20-20 matches to Old Zealand. At the time of going to press, Meander was seen biting his nails and speaking on his cellphone (rumours say India's erstwhile captain Sourrub Gangly was on the other line) apparently looking for ways to get his ratings back to 110% while his old warriors Searchin' Tendulkar and Surrender Vehwag batted at the crease in the first one-day international.

Ahem...ladies and gentlemen... I am afraid that we will have to end this bulletin now as another snowstorm hits the US city of New York where we are reporting from. Our electricity is limited, our windows are fragile and our women are more panicky.
All due to the economy!

So until next time - be alert, be safe and give Crime a face-breaking reply!

Good bye.